Finn hears “I love you” quite a bit, especially from Erin.
She says it when she can’t take his excitement, enthusiasm or general cuteness. So, about a dozen times a day.
But Finn has not been big on saying I love you back.
I am not as effusive as Erin but I always say it at bedtime.
I grew up in a family where I love you was reserved for goodbyes before long trips. Or for consolation when we were feeling down on ourselves, or after some milestone accomplishment, like graduation. And it was always my Mom who said it.
My Dad told me that his parents never said the three words and he only heard them once from his mother on her death bed. Naturally he had a hard time saying them as well.
We had an argument about it when I was a teenager. “It doesn’t mean as much if you say it all the time” was part of his explanation.
I understand now it was a generational thing to not express too much affection to your child. Living through the depression was hard and one needed to be strong in order to survive.
But why being told that you are loved makes you less strong, I don’t understand.
Being a parent and observing my son as he grows and changes, it seems to take a great deal more effort to refrain from saying I love you. Does that make one stronger?
As my parents got older, my Dad softened and would often end our phone conversations by saying: “Well, we love you.”
At bedtime Erin and I would call out to Finn: “Goodnight, I love you” and he would respond “goodnight”. Sometimes we would make a joke out of it and Erin would say “I love you” again and again and he would laugh and continue saying “goodnight”.
Then a few weeks ago he started responding: “Ich liebe dich!”.
He’s been learning some German and that seemed to be a little easier to say.
“Ich liebe dich a thousand times!” he said one night when he and Erin were going back and forth.
A few nights ago I was late going up to bed. Erin was asleep but Finn was was still up reading. I tucked him in and said “I love you.”
He responded “I love you too, goodnight.”
My heart skipped a beat but I didn’t say anything.
The next morning I mentioned it to Erin and she said he’d done the same with her.
Suddenly it was easy for him.
It takes time to realize that it’s ok to say I love you.
But for some, less than others.